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网上交友、多角恋:关于爱情的真相

更新时间:2018/12/31 8:45:23 来源:纽约时报中文网 作者:佚名

Online dating to polyamory: the truth about relationships
网上交友、多角恋:关于爱情的真相

The winter months are the most popular time of year for getting engaged – and when at least some of us start prioritising our search for a relationship. But it turns out we might be going about romance all wrong.

冬季是一年中最多人订婚的时期,而且至少有一些人在这个季节开始把寻找约会对象列为优先事项。但事实是,我们可能一直以来都对人类的情感关系有着错误的认知。

Could online dating make you look more attractive? Is it better to be like your partner? Are married couples truly happier long-term? And is monogamy the best option?

网上交友会让你看起来更有魅力吗?找一个和自己个性相似的另一半是不是比较好的选择?长期看来,已婚人士是否真的更幸福?单配偶关系是不是最优的选项?

The answers might surprise you. BBC Future rounds up some of our favourite – and most counterintuitive – insights from research around the world.

答案可能让你很惊讶。英国广播公司未来栏目(BBC Future)从全世界的研究中总结了几个我们最喜欢,而且最不符合直觉的见解。

You don’t really have a ‘type’ – and neither does anyone else

你其实并没有特定的"喜欢的类型",其他人也没有

Online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet a mate – but feeling like one profile out of a million can be intimidating. It might be heartening to know amidst the stream of faces, the face we saw before influences how attractive we perceive the next one to be.

网上交友约会可能是最受欢迎的寻找爱侣的方法了,但要从一百万人中找出一个喜欢的人确实可能有点吓人。要知道,让人欣慰的是,在这么多张脸中,我们之前看到的面孔会影响我们对下一个人面相魅力的评判。

This finding suggests that our perception of beauty, far from being deeply ingrained, is in fact very much fleeting. So, if someone is swiping along to your dating app profile, it may not be a bad thing to be among a sea of other people’s well-chosen, flattering pictures.

这项研究显示,我们对美的判断并非根深蒂固,卻是短暂而易变。所以如果有人滑动交友应用程式,在一片精心挑选的俊男美女美照中浏览你的资料并不一定有多糟糕。

The fact that such glances from dating app users are generally very quick may also work in our favour. Psychologists have found that faces are subject to a ‘glimpse effect’, which makes faces appear more attractive the less we look at them. The reason behind this, researchers suspect, is that this encourages us to give faces we see in passing a closer second look, lest we hastily miss out on a particularly handsome potential mate.

事实上,交友应用程式的用户通常浏览非常迅速,这也可能对我们有利。心理学家发现,人对面容的评价会受到"一瞥效应"的影响,也就是花越短的时间看一张脸,就越会觉得这张脸很有魅力。研究人员怀疑,这背后的原因是鼓励我们在匆匆一瞥之后,再定下来仔细看一看这张脸,以免我们匆忙中错过了某个英俊的潜在配偶。

Opposites don’t always attract

性格迥异的人并不一定互相吸引

There are some traits that tend to be beneficial to share with your partner, but it’s not entirely true that opposites attract. Some of these are traits that are generally popular to have in a partner no matter what your own personality is like, such as being agreeable and not too neurotic.

有一些人格特质会有助于你和伴侣的关系,但是性格相異則相互吸引之說也不完全正确。无论一个人性格如何,其中有一些性格特质是大家都希望自己伴侣所拥有的,例如有亲和力、不会过于神经质等。

But sometimes the best traits to have in a partner vary depending on your own character. For people who have an anxious attachment style and worry about being abandoned, for example, having a more similar personality overall boosts couples’ relationship satisfaction. And other factors, such as whether you are early birds or night owls, also are best to match.

不过有时候,性格不同的人对一个伴侣最好的特质的定义也会不同。例如,对于那些焦虑粘人、常担心自己被抛弃的人而言,有一个有着类似性格的伴侣会提升双方的总体满意程度。还有另外一些方面也最好能保持一致,比如早起的配早起的,夜猫子配夜猫子。

But sometimes, finding your own character mirrored in another person might be a turn-off. For example, when it comes to conscientiousness, research suggests that it’s better for one partner to be a bit more (or less) conscientious than the other – it helps you balance each other out.

但有时候,发现有人和自己的性格如同一个模子出来的也可能让人扫兴。比如在严谨自律这一方面,研究显示,双方严谨自律程度有所差别会更好,这有助于你们相互平衡互补。

Yes, marriage makes you happier – but not forever

是的,婚姻让人比较幸福,但不会永远幸福

If you and your partner are well-matched, maybe you’ll get hitched. But what does that mean for your personality – and happiness?

如果你和你的爱人非常般配,或许你们就会结婚。但这对你的性格和幸福意味着什么呢?

Research shows that marriage makes long-lasting changes to people’s personalities. A four-year study of 15,000 Germans revealed that after marrying, people showed a decrease in openness and extraversion – a pattern perhaps all too familiar to the friends of the newly-wedded.

研究表明,婚姻会对人的性格产生长久的影响。对1.5万德国人为期四年的研究显示,人们婚后的性格不如婚前开放外向,这种规律对于新婚夫妇的朋友而言可能再熟悉不过了。

On the upside, people also have reported getting better at self-control and forgiveness after getting married – essential qualities to maintain a long-term relationship. But of course, that’s just their own view. Whether their spouse agrees with them is another matter.

从好的方面来看,人们结婚后自觉自控能力比婚前强、也更能原谅他人,这些都是维持长期关系的基本素质。但当然,这只是人们自己的观点。他们的配偶是否认同则是另外一回事了。

As for the smugness? It may come from the fact that your married friends really do think they’re happier – at least for a while. Life satisfaction among couples did increase after marriage – but after a few years of marriage, life satisfaction returns to baseline levels.

至于这种自觉婚姻生活很幸福的感受到底如何?这可能是因为你的已婚朋友确实认为自己更幸福了,至少有一段时间是这样的。夫妇婚后确实对生活更为满意,但结婚几年后,对生活的满意程度就会回到原来的水平。

How break-ups change your personality

分手如何改变你的性格

Research has also revealed what appears to be the opposite of the ‘smug married couple’ effect: people experience personality changes after the end of a long-term relationship too.

研究也发现了'幸福感满溢的已婚夫妇'效应的相反面:结束长期恋情后,人们性格也会发生变化。

Studies of middle-aged people who had gone through a divorce, for example, showed that women became more extroverted and open after cutting ties with their spouse.

例如,对中年离异人士的研究发现,女性在离婚后性格变得比以前外向开放。

Men, on the other hand, didn’t handle the break-up quite so well. They tended to become more neurotic and more conscientious after the divorce. And in general, both male and female divorcees tend to become less dependable after their break up.

而另一方面,男性一般不能很好地处理分手。他们离婚后容易变得较敏感和小心谨慎。而且总体而言,男性和女性在离婚后都容易变得没有以前可靠。

It also works two ways – as well as break-ups changing your personality, your personality affects how you will recover after a break-up. More extroverted types tend to remarry quicker, while more neurotic types have a tendency to go in for a series of shorter relationships after a divorce.

分手的影响也会是双重的。分手会影响你的性格,你的性格也会影响你分手后的恢复情况。更外向的人通常更快重新进入下一段婚姻,而敏感内向的人通常会在分手后谈好几段短期恋爱而无法谈婚论嫁。

A more open romantic future

更为开放的婚恋未来

Of course, monogamy is not the only option. Polyamory, a relationship style with more than two people involved, may be a growing trend. Unlike cheating in a monogamous relationship, in polyamory this happens openly and with consent.

当然,单一配偶关系并不是唯一选择。有两个以上的人参与的多角恋可能是在不断增多的发展趋势。与单一配偶制中的出轨不同,多角恋是公开的,参与者彼此同意的多重伴侣关系。

Research has shown that polyamorous couples maintain stronger friendships outside their love life than monogamous couples do. One online study also found that people in polyamorous relationships were more likely to practice safe sex.

研究显示,与单一配偶关系的人相比,开放婚恋的多重伴侣通常在他们的情感生活之外彼此能保持更深厚的友谊。一项在线研究还发现,处于多角恋中的人安全性行为的可能更高。

But if you aren’t polyamorous yourself, don’t worry – you’re not necessarily missing out on all the fun. People drawn to a polyamorous relationship may simply be more open to more relationships (including friendships) to begin with.

不过如果你不是多角恋的人,别担心,你不一定会错失所有的情趣。喜欢多角恋的人可能仅仅是对拥有更多的爱恋关系(包括友谊在内)持比较开放的态度。

And research has shown that, overall, people in polyamorous relationships have more or less the same psychological wellbeing and relationship quality as monogamous couples.

而且研究表明,总体而言,多角恋关系和单一配偶关系的人其心理健康和情感质量基本上是一样的。

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