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我的乐土

  Between work and family and the stresses of modern life,sometimes it feels like you can’t even breathe.But whenever the outside world seems like too much I just close my eyes and go to my happy place,where it never rains and the air smells like daisies.

  我们处于工作、家庭以及现代生活的压力下,有时甚至感到无法呼吸。但是无论外面的世界怎样,我都会闭上眼睛,回到我的那片乐土,那里从不下雨,那里的空气闻起来像雏菊的香味。

  In my happy place,you can sing in the fields!And dance in the clouds!And eat ice cream for every meal!Granted,there’s been a recent uptick in obesity because of the carefree diet.And the jelly-bean fountains certainly don’t help.Tooth decay is rampant,but who cares?You can be whatever you want to be!

  在我的乐土上,你可以在田野里歌唱,可以在云端上跳舞,每餐都有冰淇淋。当然,最近那里由于饮食习惯改变,肥胖人数有所增加。当然,豆胶喷泉也起不了什么作用。蛀牙在这里很普遍,但是谁在乎呢?你可以成为任何你想成为的人!

  You can ride unicorns through the cool night air.Their manes flutter in the wind,fine as angel hair.Full disclosure:the unicorns do get aggressive when they hear loud noises,so you’ll want to steer clear of the butterscotch waterfall.Those feral fuckers will bite if not Tased.

  你可以骑着独角兽穿过凉爽的夜空。它们的鬃毛在风中飘扬,像天使的秀发。透露一下:独角兽在听到巨大的噪音时会变得好斗,所以你得避开奶油糖果瀑布。必须在它们好斗的时候制服它们,否则它们会咬人。

  Around here,no one says mean or hurtful things.They just write their insults on boxing gloves and punch your face.

  在这里,没有人会说刻薄或者伤人的话。他们只会在拳击场,用写满气愤的拳头揍你。

  The ocean in my happy place shimmers bright and blue,at least until high tide,when the garbage patch rolls in.Then it’s all diapers and energy-drink cans.Since the seagulls immediately swoop in and snag all the chicken bones,the syphilitic pirates have resorted to eating plastic six-pack rings.One of them handcuffed my wrist to my ankle.

  在我的乐土,涨潮前的大海是明亮的,闪烁着蓝色的光芒。涨潮后,垃圾带、尿布和能量饮料罐充斥着我的海洋。由于海鸥们立刻扑了进来,抢走了所有的鸡骨头,感染了梅毒的海盗们只好吃六罐塑料环。一个海盗把我的手腕铐在脚踝上。

  在我的乐土上,没有战争,只有武装冲突。

  In my happy place,there’s no war,just armed conflicts.No racism,just racist dog whistles.And the celebrity perverts make lame art that’s honestly missable.

  在我的乐土上,没有战争,只有武装冲突。没有种族歧视,只有不同种类狗狗的哨声。那些名流变态们创造了打不进穴的蹩脚艺术。

  It’s splendiferous!

  真的棒极了!

  Unlike in the world of sheeple,who are so obsessed with buying this and owning that,money doesn’t matter in my happy place.There is no rich and no poor.Everyone just pays for what they need through sex.It’s very illegal,so everyone is either in jail or about to be sentenced.No one with a record can get hired,so unemployment is always at a hundred per cent.It’s not a perfect system,but it is psychologically devastating.

  在随大流的世界里,人们总是痴迷于买这个和拥有那个。而在我的乐土,钱并不重要。那里没有贫富之分,所有人通过性来满足他们的需求。毫无疑问,这是违法的,所以每个人不是在监狱里就是等着被判刑。没有一个有前科的人能被雇佣,所以失业率总是百分之百。这不是一个完美的系统,但它在心理上是毁灭性的。

  Also,every song skips except“Cotton Eye Joe.”

  而且,这里只有“棉眼乔”这首歌。

  保证乐土的快乐需要保持警惕

  Keeping a happy place happy requires vigilance,so a series of military checkpoints have been built along the border to monitor smiles.Those unable to provide proof of elation are taken into custody until they seem jolly.Non-rosy-cheek-havers forfeit their rights.Fleeing is not an option because the face-tatted mercenaries manning the guard towers are trained to shoot grumps on sight.

  保证乐土的快乐需要保持警惕,所以在边境设有一系列的军事检查点监控微笑。那些无法提供证据证明自己是快乐的将会被拘留,直到他们看起来很开心。那些没有玫瑰色脸颊的人会失去他们的权利。逃跑是不可能的,因为守卫塔上全副武装的纹身雇佣兵被训练成一看到敌人就开枪。
纽约时报中英文网 www.qqenglish.com


  I’ve met God in my happy place.She is pure light and fills me with the divine understanding that there is good in the world.Though,if I’m being honest,absorbing Her cosmic energy is kind of tough with all those unicorns snapping at my genitals.I’ve had to start wearing MC Hammer pants so the beasts think my crotch is lower.

  我在我的乐土遇见了上帝。她是纯洁的圣光,让我充满睿智,相信这个世界有善。虽然,说实话,吸收她的宇宙能量是有点困难的,因为那么做的话那些独角兽会咬我的“蛋蛋”。我不得不开始穿MC Hammer的裤子,这样独角兽们就会认为我的胯部更低了。

  Modern life is full of anxiety.That’s why I need my happy place—somewhere I can go to escape the daily grind which doesn’t have any magical woodland elves.Then again,the grind also doesn’t to control the soaring elf population.The elves have been screwing in my hot-air balloon and are starting to form throuples!Their moans of pleasure rain down like the coital grunts of Zeus.

  现代生活充满了焦虑,这就是我需要我的乐土的原因。在我的乐土上,那里没有任何神奇的森林精灵,在那里我可以逃避日常的折磨。再说,那些日常不包括设置陷阱控制激增的精灵数量。精灵们一直在我的热气球上捣乱,现在他们开始聚成一群了!它们快乐的呻吟声就像宙斯做爱的时候发出的咕哝声。

  I had a different happy place once,and it was perfect.Children’s laughter rang out throughout the meadows.Neighbors helped neighbors.Everyone had a personal,jovial pet walrus who could tap-dance like Fred Astaire.But then something occurred to me.This is my happy place.Why should everyone get his or her own walrus?Why aren’t the taffy farmers signing a loyalty oath to me?And why aren't I taller?I’m talking,like,six feet eight.

  我曾经有一个不同的乐土,它是完美的。孩子们的笑声在草地上飘扬,邻里互助友爱,每个人都有一只像弗雷德·阿斯泰尔(Fred Astaire)一样会跳踢踏舞的可爱的海象宠物。但是后来,我遭遇了一些事情。这是我的乐土,但是为什么我的乐土里人人都有他们自己的海象?为什么太妃糖农民不宣誓效忠于我?为什么我只有6英尺8英寸,不会更高?

  So I took action.I waged war,wrought destruction,and burned down every tree that made me feel small.I brought hell upon my happy place until I was its lone sovereign.And then,as I stood panting atop the heap of carnage,it dawned on me:This is exhausting.I could use a place to get away from it all—to relax.

  所以我采取了行动。我发动了战争,烧毁了所有比我高大的树。我把地狱带到了我的乐土,我成为了它唯一的主宰。最后,当我站在大屠杀的废墟上喘着气时,我恍然大悟:这样太累了。我可以找个地方远离这一切,休息一下。

  A new happy place.

  一个新的乐土。

  One with free Wi-Fi.Which my current one has,but it’s slow as fuck.

  一个有无线网络的乐土,像现在这个一样。但是它的网速太慢了。

本文标题:我的乐土

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